How the Chicago Bears are Run
ACT I
HALLAS HALL
GEORGE MCCASKEY TALKING TO NEWLY HIRED GM RYAN POLES
DATE JANUARY 25, 2022 GEORGE
Welcome to the Bears! Happy to have you here. Now that you’re here,
you need to hire a head coach. Now me and my good friends already did
the work for you and we have a list of 3 people who would make great
head coaches. Now, you don’t have to pick someone off this list if
you don’t want to, but I really, really like this list we came up
with and would love it if you picked someone from this list … but,
do whatever you want, you’re the GM. POLES
Thinking to himself: Fuck me. Already? Well, usually GMs get a
second shot at hiring a head coach if the first one doesn’t work out.
I can make this work for a couple of years, fire him and get my own
guy in here. Says out loud: Sounds good! I’ll take Eberflus. ACT II
HALAS HALL
KEVIN WARREN’S OFFICE
DATE: JANUARY 8, 2024
THE DAY AFTER THE BEARS LOSE TO GREEN BAY IN
EMBARASSING FASHION, AGAIN POLES
Kevin, buddy, I wanna fire Eberflus, trade Fields, use the number one
pick to get a QB, pair him with a great, modern, offense-minded head
coach and take this team into the 21st century. WARREN
Sounds good to me, but we gotta take this to George. POLES AND WARREN GO TO GEORGE’S OFFICE WARREN
George, to really make this team a modern NFL franchise that wins
Super Bowls, we need to get a new QB. When we do that, we need to
pair him with a new head coach who understand modern football and can
run an exciting, modern offense. So we want to fire Eberflus and his
staff, trade Fields, and go from there. GEORGE
No. ALL THREE STARE SILENTLY AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT GEORGE
Me and my good friends hand-picked Eberflus, we think he’s the right
coach for the job. You need to make this work. End of discussion. POLES AND WARREN LEAVE THE OFFICE
START TALKING TO EACH OTHER AS THEY WALK DOWN THE HALL POLES
Fuck, now what? WARREN
I hear you man. We bring in Eberflus, tell him he’s gotta fire his
offensive staff, maybe let him keep a couple of his guys to save face
a bit, try to survive a couple of years, hope he doesn’t destroy our
new QB then fire him and promote the OC to Head Coach. POLES
And if that doesn’t work, we’re all fired anyway. WARREN
Well, you are, I gotta finish building him a new stadium.